There’s Two Sides to Every Story…Literally

I was standing in line at a grocery store the other day and did what most of us do. I checked out the headlines on the tabloids. No, the two-headed Bigfoot surfing atop the Loch Ness Monster did not strike my interest. It was two side-by-side competing celebrity magazines.
Both had cover photos of Kim Kardashian in a wedding dress. One headline read, “Kim’s Dream Wedding” and the other said, “Inside Kim’s Wedding from Hell.” I guess the two writers have differing opinions on wedding ceremonies.
Then a light bulb went off in my head just like The Grinch’s on Mount Crumpet. This reminds me of the doublespeak we get from politicians and they lackeys. Have you ever heard Jay Carney? He’s the press secretary for the President. He usually stands behind a podium so we can’t see that his pants are ablaze. In the background we can hear fire trucks turning around once they understood it’s a lost cause. Seriously, as the sky darkens he claims that blue skies are overhead.
While I singled out Carney, many politicians tell lies with straight faces. We all know that our economy is in recession. Good jobs are scarce, and wages stagnant at best. Taxes, food, fuel, and utility costs are rising, yet our governments tell us all is well. It would take a grain of salt the size of Mount Rushmore before I would even attempt to swallow the phony employment and inflation figures they’re shoveling at us.
Don’t believe me? Here’s your homework assignment. Go fill up your vehicle, ride around for an hour counting the number of empty storefronts, and stop off at the grocery store on the way home. You just might want to hit the plasma center before you pull up in your driveway because you’re going to need the extra cash.
To end on a lighter note, the larger daily newspaper in town reported the arrival of nesting loggerhead sea turtles. The reporter described the animals as “the size of a bistro table”. When I was young and played “I spy” with my grandmother, a breadbasket was the standard unit of measurement. I have little clue how large a bistro table is and you will never catch me using one as a comparison. I prefer to drink my Perrier off a TV tray.
James David Altman lives in West Ashley and has been a contributing columnist for several publications. He’s the son of the late former S.C. Republican House of Representative of John Graham Altman III. You can reach him at rabidreb@gmail.com