Everybody in politics these days seems so bloody serious, as if a good sense of humor has been thrown out of windows across statehouses and the Capitol in one fell swoop.
Maybe it’s because politics has become so professional, driven by polls, handlers, spin doctors, white papers and the 24-hour news cycle. Maybe it’s because people are afraid that what they say will be misinterpreted, which probably would happen with all of the politically-correct ninnies taking names like weaselly school proctors
So when an old friend mentioned wit, politics and putdowns recently, I got to thinking of some favorite political sobriquets.
The standard to which everyone aspires is Winston Churchill, who could cast off a brickbat in a single bound
Once when young, Churchill grew a moustache to look older. A female constituent complained that she neither approved of his politics nor moustache. Churchill replied: “Don’t worry, madam. You are unlikely to come into contact with either.”
Another time when Churchill had been drinking heavily, a Socialist member of Parliament scolded Churchill for being drunk, which led to this famous riposte: “And Bessie, you are ugly. You are very ugly. I’ll be sober in the morning.”
And then there’s this zinger after Lady Nancy Astor told Churchill told him she would poison his coffee if he were her husband. Churchill responded, “I would drink it.”
South Carolinians chuckled for years about things that came out of the mouth of now retired U.S. Sen. Fritz Hollings. When challenged in a 1986 debate by GOP candidate Henry McMaster to take a drug test, Hollings responded, “I’ll take a drug test if you take an I.Q. test.” (The issue over drug tests quickly rotted away.)
When Texas Sen. John Tower, short compared to Hollings’ stature, preened about an expensive new suit one day in the Senate elevator, Hollings cracked, “Does it come in men’s sizes?”
You can find other examples of political wit in “I’ll Be Sober in the Morning,” a book of humor and comebacks edited by former College of Charleston professor Chris Lamb.
My favorite political put-down of all time is in another book from somebody you’ve probably never heard of — a talented writer/dramatist from Australia named Bob Ellis. In 1994, he ran for a seat in Parliament against Bronwyn Bishop, a conservative woman seen as a rising star. After Ellis lost the election, he wrote a 606-page book about it. Here’s how he described Bishop:
“Ms. Bishop has, it can easily be admitted, several of the talents needed in leaders of nations — a fine speaking voice, dauntless confidence, unflagging energy, a piercing glance, a huge head, a momentarily pleasing personality, and the immense athletic discipline required to survive a crushing schedule of furious, continent-crossing self-aggrandizement. She can recite by rote many Gilbert and Sullivan lyrics, ride a bicycle, terrify a bureaucrat and impersonate with conviction one who has no ambition but an overwhelming desire for public service.
“In short, she presents well, and acts decisively and colorfully and magnetically. But like her preferred role model Margaret Thatcher, she is formidable and charismatic without being actually intelligent (in my view) — intelligence being, at its heart, an ability to assess and in a significant measure to predict the future.
“An intelligent dog, for instance, will not cross a road roaring with semitrailers. An intelligent leader, similarly, will not needlessly declare war, jail dissidents, burn cathedrals, storm Parliament with tanks or hang opposition leaders on live television because both dog and man have predictive intelligence enough to adjudge this course of action probably suicidal. Senator Bishop, however, like Thatcher before her, does not have this minimal predictive intelligence, and is therefore likely, in my view, … to wreck her country’s culture and economy, self-righteously and surely as did her idol.”
Whew!
While our leaders don’t need to put down leaders like that, it certainly would be refreshing for them to be less scripted and more forthright. And show a little more of a sense of humor..
Andy Brack is editor and publisher of Statehouse Report. He can be reached at brack@statehousereport.com.
(843) 766-WEST (9378)
publisher@westof.net
